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The Throwaway Year Page 8
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When Hayden arrived at work that evening, she was carrying veggie chili from a local deli for herself and a double BLT and chips for Brian. She headed straight for the canteen where Brian had just finished cleaning one of the tables with disinfectant cleaner that Hayden had told him was in the cabinet. He’d bought her one of those expensive bottled waters that didn’t seem any different than the stuff that came out of the tap for free. Yet since she didn’t trust the water fountains here since the time she’d seen a man spitting his chewing tobacco into it, she didn’t make too much of a fuss.
“What’s up Hayden?”
“Hey Brian.” She put their dinners on the table. “You leave any sales for me to make?”
“One or two.” He sat down and opened his bag with its huge sandwich. “Mmmm. This looks good. Thanks, I’m starving.”
“No problem.”
She dipped her plastic spoon into her hot chili. It was delicious even if it was the middle of summer and their city was in the midst of a heat wave.
“Did you run today?” he asked and then took a bite of the sandwich.
“Yep. And I didn’t stop once.”
“How long?”
“40 minutes.”
“Wow.”
“Well it was just on the treadmill,” she responded sheepishly.
“Hayden! Why do you do that?”
Her eyes widened at his sharp words. He put his sandwich down on the wrinkled wax paper and leaned forward. His grey eyes seemed to darken.
“Just take it.”
Uh… “Take it?”
“The compliment I just gave you.”
She looked at him, unsure of how to respond. Then she finally spoke honestly. “I don’t like compliments.”
Brian sat back in his chair and studied her. “What happened to you Hayden? Why the affirmations and the exercise and two jobs? Why do you have absolutely nothing more than that in your life? You know-”
Hayden abruptly stood up and walked out the room. She heard Brian’s chair scrape back as he got up to follow her, but she quickened her steps and walked into the ladies room. With hands that trembled in anger she turned on the water to splash her warm face and the door opened. Brian came in, but he held up his hands to let her know that he meant no harm.
“Hayden, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push, okay? It’s just; I know that you know all about what happened to me and the trouble I got into. And I know that you’re struggling with something, but you don’t open up at all.
“I mean, we talk every single day about making each day better but you never…” He paused. “But I don’t have any right to push. I’m sorry.”
Hayden glanced at the water as it ran down the dark drain and then she turned it off. She looked at him, speaking calmly despite the thundering of her heart against her ribcage. She was mad at Brian and at herself for being mad about it.
“It’s not a big deal. But it’s personal. I’ve never asked you about getting high or your relationship with your dad because that’s personal too.”
He looked away and nodded and then backed out of the ladies room.
When Hayden returned to her desk, her chili, bottled water and purse were sitting on her desk. Brian was sitting at his desk typing on his computer. He didn’t look at her.
~Chapter 9~
SWEET DREAMS
Brian got called into his father’s office again and was still in there when Hayden left for the evening.
Why did this bother her so much? She didn’t do anything wrong… did she? Hayden drove home in deep thought, feeling guilty and sad, but not sure why. Once home, she gathered the mail from her mailbox and stacked it neatly on the side table for sorting this weekend. She then prepared for her shower and afterwards climbed into bed.
Well, you did make Brian think that you were honest, but you’re a liar, aren’t you?
What? She considered that strange thought. She had lied? Then Hayden realized that she had discovered what was bothering her.
For months, she had strived to be honest with herself and by doing that she had reacted to people with honesty, particularly Brian when she apologized to him for judging him. Also when she shared aspirations and became a support system for him—one that he obviously was starving for. Damn…
I know you’re struggling with something but you don’t open up…
He had been waiting for her to trust in their friendship and to open up to him; instead she’d told him that he had no right to expect that. Hayden tossed in her bed until she sat up. Dammit! She reached for her cell phone.
“In April, my life was going as it always did. Until the morning that my boyfriend of six years told me that he had found someone else and was leaving me.”
Hayden pressed send and the message was transported to Brian Fox’s phone. However, she didn’t wait for a response. She simply began texting more.
“I realized that I had been very clueless with no idea that the man I was with didn’t want me anymore until the very second he told me. How long did he see me – this woman that he no longer loved, before he couldn’t take it anymore?”
She looked at the phone and it’s blank response screen. She took a deep breath. Honesty…
“I began to see the me that I figured he must see. It was ugly. I was ugly and I had to find something more than that inside of me.”
She squeezed her eyes closed and pressed send. Then her cell phone suddenly rang shrilly, scaring her. She let it ring again before she answered, her eyes still closed in embarrassment.
“Me too,” Brian said immediately. “When I thought about what I’d done to my dad, I saw someone ugly, someone that I didn’t want to be, but I didn’t know how to get away from that guy. The only way was to become something better... but not just for my dad, Hayden. For myself.”
Hayden was nodding her head. “Yes! My friend thinks deep down that it’s to get revenge on my ex, or so that I can find someone else. That is so far from the truth. All I want is to not be disgusted by the person that I am.”
“You’re doing what it takes to make that happen. We both are. There’s no messing up. I lose everything if I mess up.”
Hayden understood that so deeply. “If I mess up, then I’m not capable of being anything better. And I’m not going to be a walking mistake waiting to happen.”
“Me neither,” Brian responded quietly.
After a moment of quiet, Hayden spoke again. “It’s hard.”
“Yes, it is. And that’s why we will value it all the more when we finally make it.”
She stared ahead as if seeing her friend, the person that shared so much of her same pain. It was as if the words he spoke were her own. She almost hadn’t opened up to him, and if that had happened, then she wouldn’t be feeling this relief in her soul now.
They talked for a while before Brian told her to go to sleep.
“Yeah, I better.”
“Sweet dreams Hayden.”
She smiled. “You too Brian.”
~***~
They were gearing up for a new monthly bonus contest. Brian hadn’t won the last one; it had been a man from a different team. Instead of a thousand bucks, this month’s prize was a gas card good for one fill-up a week for the next year.
That was something that would come in handy, even though her commissions had been rolling in and Hayden was quickly paying off credit card after credit card with them. She got out of her car carrying two turkey specials from The Cracker Barrel. She noticed Marcus quickly climb out of his car when he saw her hands were filled. She was grateful because she had become paranoid about being the only person coming in at this shift even though it was still light out at 6:00 P.M. Yet she had noticed that each and every night there was a strange car parked there with a man sitting in it doing nothing.
That wouldn’t normally be strange, after all, it was a strip mall parking lot. However, she’d been working in this building for months before being employed by Fox Vinyl, so she was used to getting here at 6:00 P.M. to
start cleaning the top floor offices. Then each and every night, she had been forced to return to her car to wait impatiently for Fox Vinyl to empty. So Hayden knew for a fact that there hadn’t ever been any other cars parked with men sitting in them at that time. This was a recent development.
She suspected drug sales were discreetly being done here and by people other than Marcus. Covington was a hotbed of drug activity. Marcus hurried ahead of her to open the door to the building. He didn’t smell like weed at the moment, so she figured he stayed with pills until it was dark enough to hide his smoking activities.
“Mmmm. That smells good,” he said while staring her coolly in the eye. “What makes some men lucky enough to get the special treatment? And more importantly, how do I get that service?”
She bristled at the cold look on his face. She also didn’t care for his words and innuendo. “My friends know the answer to those questions,” she responded, giving him the same cool look.
His mouth turned up into a quick smile. “I’m just playing with you.” Then he laughed before he pimp walked back to his desk, being very obnoxious about it.
Buffoon… Hayden headed to the canteen and when Brian saw her, he began rubbing his hands together in anticipation for his turkey dinner. She couldn’t stop the giggle that fell from her lips.
Over the weeks he had filled out considerably and looked healthy the way he must have been pre-addiction. He had apparently caught some rays because his once pale skin glowed with a golden tan and his blondish brown hair was now blonder than brown. He still wore long sleeved shirts; mostly polo style and she wished that he wasn’t ashamed to show his arms with their evidence of his past addiction. However, that was something he had to do in his own time.
“I got you the green beans and mashed potatoes with brown gravy.”
“Green beans?”
“Well yeah. What? You want the turnip greens instead?”
“I hate vegetables; except for mashed potatoes or coleslaw. Or corn on the cob. Oh and relish.”
She sat down and shook her head. “But that’s turkey and dressing. You can’t go without a veggie!”
He shook his head. “It’s not Thanksgiving. You only have to eat veggies with turkey and dressing on Thanksgiving Day.”
Hayden began to mix her gravy and dressing together. “Brian, the only reason that you don’t like veggies is because you’ve never eaten any that I’ve cooked. You probably eat that canned stuff.”
She took a bite of food savoring the flavor of each side dish piled on her fork. “I make this smothered cabbage with onions and bacon. It’s so good.” She reached for a corn muffin—only one allowed. “With meatloaf, it’s heavenly.”
Brian wasn’t eating right now; he was just watching her as she talked with food pooching out one cheek, expertly keeping everything inside of her moving mouth. “Yes. I’m game, I guess. When?”
“When?” She squinted.
“When are you going to show me how to make it? Sunday is a good day for me. Then you can come over and I’ll do all the cooking if you do all the teaching. Just write out a list of ingredients and I’ll pick them up when I go grocery shopping.”
She crooked her head at him, but he was serious. “You want me to come to your house and cook?”
“No silly woman. I want you to come to my house and show me how to cook it. I want you to sit down and rest or something.”
Then he turned his attention back to his food, obviously ignoring the green beans. Hayden looked at him periodically, suspiciously.
~***~
The next day while at her first job, Hayden’s cell phone vibrated announcing a new text message had been delivered. She discreetly checked her cell phone while talking to a customer. Cell phone use during work was a strict no-no.
It was from Brian. She began reading it while her customer continued to explain in detail something that she didn’t care about and didn’t need to know. She let the woman ramble on while she read.
“Family may misunderstand me, but kindred spirits abound and I trust that my soul sought the home it needed for growth, expansion, lessons unlearned, mysteries unsolved, and elevations yet unknown.”
Hayden gasped.
“Excuse me?” Her customer paused.
“Oh, I mean I believe I have enough information. Ma’am, may I place you on hold to research?”
“Research? What are you going to research?”
“Just a minute… uh… we have some new procedures.” Hayden quickly pressed hold on her phone and then re-read the message. What the-? Hayden looked frantically over at Dani, but she was busy talking to her own customer. Oh crap, did this affirmation mean what she thought it did?
“Wow,” she texted back. “That’s a very good one.” She waited a few moments, but he didn’t text anything else. Oh crap, my customer!
“Sorry about the hold ma’am…” Oh what in the hell had they been talking about?
By the time Hayden arrived at her second job, she was very frazzled and knew that she was acting as awkward as she felt. “So, I got us Italian wedding soup… with the meatballs,” she said. Then she hurried into the canteen where Brian was waiting with her expensive water and his can of soda.
“Mmmm, good.”
She bumped her cup of soup and if Brian hadn’t grabbed it, she would’ve lost the entire thing instead of the small amount that splashed onto the table. “Oh damn!” She jumped up to get paper napkins.
“Hold on, I still got napkins over here from cleaning the table.” Brian wiped up the mess. “Sit down, I got it.”
She took her seat again and reached for her bottled water and tipped it over instead. Luckily she hadn’t opened it yet. “Oh damn!”
Brian gave her a curious look. “Hayden calm down, I got it. Did you have a bad day?”
“Oh…” Hayden’s eyes met his and locked. For some reason she couldn’t look away.
“Are you okay?”
She nodded quickly.
Brian began eating his soup, and a moment later she did the same.
“So what’s your affirmation today?”
“Oh…” she said again and he looked at her.
“You didn’t text yours back to me.”
“Mine is…” she struggled to bring the words to mind. “Be filled with wonder. Be touched by peace.”
He stared at her. His eyes were so…
“Beautiful,” Brian said.
Her eyes flitted away before she allowed her gaze to meet his again, and it was like a gentle caress that did something to her stomach and made her breathing difficult. He smiled slowly and then returned to eating his soup. Hayden ate the rest of her soup, but she didn’t feel like smiling. Not one bit.
~***~
That night as Hayden lay in bed; she tossed and turned trying not to think of the affirmation that kept rolling through her mind. She punched her pillow and then spoke the words mentally, angrily, already knowing what she had to do.
My need to be comfortable isn’t as important as living in my truth.
She picked up her cell phone and began to text Brian.
~Chapter 10~
LIVING IN THE TRUTH
Todd gave Hayden a curious look as they ran on the treadmills side-by-side. Finally he stopped his and climbed down. Then he pressed the controls to slow Hayden’s. She looked at him in surprise for a moment before it came to a complete stop.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“What?”
“You’ve been running hard for nearly the entire time. What happened to intervals?”
“I was?” She couldn’t believe that, but she had been so deep in thought that she had forgotten to switch down to a fast walk. She didn’t even realize that she could run like that without even feeling it. For a moment, she put aside the thoughts that had been nagging her this morning. Besides, the conversation that she’d had with Brian last night was bad enough without continuing to rehash it.
“Fifty K here I come!” she said with forced ent
husiasm.
“Yes, you’re doing better than good. Bad news though, this weekend I won’t be able to meet you at the park. My shift at the fire station takes up both days this weekend.”
“Oh, that’s fine.” She tried not to sound disappointed. She had grown to enjoy her time in the park with Kevin and Todd. The little boy was hungry to prove himself to his stepfather.
Hayden especially enjoyed watching Todd freak out when Kevin got on the rocks over the creek or when he jumped a pole and missed, falling face first and busting his lip. Todd looked like he would pass out. He would have carried the boy back to the truck, but a short time later, Kevin was up and running around again.
Todd had just looked at her in anguish. “I don’t think I’m going to survive being a father.”
Yeah, she would miss them this weekend.
“Well, you have to work, but that doesn’t mean the partnership has to stop. I can pick up Kevin and we’ll train without you.”
Todd smiled at her and shook his head. “We live too far away. We can make it up, though.”
“Alright. Well I’ll still be there same time same place.”
He nodded. “I know you will. You’re doing good Hayden.”
She started to roll her eyes, but then stopped herself. “Thanks Todd.”
~***~
As Hayden parked in the lot of Fox Vinyl, she wished she could just turn her car around and go back home so that she wouldn’t have to face Brian tonight. Last night’s conversation had been bad, but even worse than the conversation had been the implications that had gone unspoken. Last night she had done the stupidest thing imaginable and she wished with all her heart that she could take it back.
~***~
Hayden had picked up her cell phone last night. She sent a quick text to Brian.
“I can’t sleep.”
Almost immediately, she received a response even though it was well after 1:00 A.M.
“Why?”
“Because I have something on my mind and… I can’t stop thinking about it.”